TREND ALERT: GO WIDE

Hi Squeezers! I'm back from our family vacation and ready to throw some more trend alerts your way. I've taken my own advice and stepped a bit out of of my comfort zone for this look. Can you guess what I wore that you've rarely ever seen me wear? It also happens to be tonight's trending topic. 

Wide Leg Pants. Yes ladies, I went wide. It's a bit of a stretch for me, believe it or not. The moment I had a taste of my first pair of skinny jeans, I never went back. Ever. It's been yeaaaaaaaars since I've worn anything bootleg or wide leg and I haven't missed it, really. The trend comes and goes each season and each season I say, "maybe I'll give it a whirl again," but then I don't. I think it's mostly because I don't wear a lot of high heels or high wedges and in order to really pull off length and dimension with a wide leg pant, you need height. You really can't sport these with flats or sneakers. It'll make you look dumpy, no matter your body type or weight. 

This season, however, I took a chance on the wide leg again. On a recent adventure to Forever 21 (because it's always an adventure when you go to F21), I unintentionally found these high-waisted jeans in their denim section. I initially grabbed them because they said 'high-waisted,' not realizing they were wide leg jeans until I got to the fitting room. I almost tossed them to the side, but a little perky voice inside me (or maybe it was the F21 fumes) said, "girl, try them on!" I'm so glad I did. I was feeling them! I loved the fit, they made my butt look good, and they sat perfectly on my waist.

I paired it with a few other things I had grabbed, because I like to make sure I have plenty of options when I buy an item, and I knew I could pull it off. I stepped outside the box! Wide Leg pants also happen to be a BIG trend for spring, and such a great alternative for dressing up any outfit, especially a denim one.

You know who also makes my wide leg outfit look all sorts of amazing?! My photographer, Lauren (@laurelcreative). She caught every angle of these jeans, showing how they hang, how they hug my curves, and how they look front, back and center. Also, she manages to always catch me while my hair is blowing in the wind, ala JLo (thank you, Lauren!).

I've actually combined two spring trends with this look- the wide leg jean and tropical prints. This tropical bomber also from Forever 21, is giving me Versace in the 90's vibe (at budget-friendly prices). It's the ideal jacket for spring's easy breezy weather. We have to talk about my 'Extra' t-shirt I also scored at Forever! It's what all the kids are saying these days and you know what, it's not such a bad thing to be a little bit 'extra' in your life! Give yourself a little extra oomph. 

Early in the post, I mentioned how I rarely wear high heels or wedges anymore, but I've actually been sporting some more wedges and booties with heels in the last year, so that gave me the extra push I needed to get the pants. For this look, I wore my white booties, which I've basically lived in since I got them and I'll continue to wear them through spring until I find a white wedge or slip on that takes my breath away. 

Let's not forget accessories! It's all about the straw purse for spring and summer, especially this round straw crossbody. I love that I can wear it as a cross body or remove the straps and hold it by the short handle, which is what I did with this look! I'm pretty obsessed with the bag because you can wear it with just about anything in a spring or summer wardrobe, and for $17.90, it can't be beat. It's just as cute as my heart shaped sunnies, which by the way, get me TONS of compliment. 

What's not to love?! 

How do you feel about the wide leg trend for spring? Is it a do or a don't for you? I always want to know!

In Style,

Kat

TREND ALERT: BRING OUT THE TROPICAL PRINTS

Buenos Dias Squeezers! The happiest of Sundays to you all! The Buccios are cruise bound on Celebrity Cruises with the familia and we are SO excited for family time, piña coladas, and explorations on land and sea. Honestly, I'm just really excited to read the three books I downloaded on my kindle (I'll share those with you soon) because I'm jonesing for a good literary distraction. 

I didn't want to leave on our trip without posting the next of our trend forecast series: Tropical Prints! It goes without saying that the first sign of spring and summer starts at the first sight of tropical prints for us fashionistas! I don't know about you, but I get super excited the moment I see a palm print or some hibiscus print staring at me from the rack. It means spring and summer are a-comin! 

This dress is extra special because it was an unexpected gift from my friend, Becky, from South Carolina. She actually wore this dress to our friend, Maureen's, rehearsal dinner, and it looked fabulous on her and I wanted it so badly! Little did I know, it would be mine a few months later. 

The dress is from ASOS and I love the material. It is a little neoprene, and a little stretch in all the right places. I love the way it gathers at the front and it becomes this one shoulder stunner with just the right amount of peek-a-boo skin showing at the midriff. I can't forget to mention the full skirt that just comes to life because of those bold green palm leaves all over the dress. They just pop! 

This is what I love about tropical prints because they instantly change your mood. They're the happy pills of fashion. Ha! Whether in a dress, a handbag, or a top, bring out the prints! Another way to sport your love of tropical print/palm print? Swimwear! There are LOTS of great options for both one pieces and two pieces. Whether it's Target or Ralph Lauren, you can find some gorgeous tropical print suits at every price point. I know that if you look through my bathing suit drawer, you'll find at least five suits with a vibrant and colorful tropical print on them! I just can't get enough. 

As I type of this post, I'm currently wearing tropical print pants with an off the shoulder white top (you'll see it on my stories today), and you better believe there are more tropical prints in my suitcase that I'll be wearing on the cruise. I have everything from a tropical print blouse to my favorite banana leaf pants ready to go! What I love about these prints is that you can mix and match with so many pieces. Don't feel like they're one time use pieces- that's a misconception. Pair them with solid tee, floral prints, even stripes. If you're feeling daring, go head to toe in tropical print. Yes, this is a thing! 

Next up- accessories! Don't be afraid to accessorize. It's a great way (and an easy way) to express yourself and to show a little more of your personality. Lately I've been into sunglasses, like these exaggerated white shades from Zero UV. They're over the top and I love that. I also added a straw fedora- a staple for the season. I brought out my pineapple bag, which I know you guys loved, and added a fab pair of Chiffino nude platform wedges to complete the look. Here's a bonus about this dress (or tropical prints in general)- you can wear it with some cute sandals, wedges, or heels. Your options are limitless! 

I teamed up with my gal, Lauren (@laurelcreative), and we headed to the MiMo district, an architecturally iconic neighborhood in Miami, to snap this dress in it's natural element! The architecture is so unique, that any spot could have been the perfect backdrop. We chose a few of the motels along Biscayne Blvd because they just went so well with the dress! Wouldn't you agree? 

What's your favorite way to wear tropical print? 

In Style, 

Kat 

SPRINGING INTO A NEW BIRTH YEAR LIKE...

Another birthday, another year older....or younger..depends on how you look at it. There are two types of people when it comes to aging- those that embrace age and welcome it with open arms (wrinkles included), and those that dread it like the plague. The thought of another year of getting older, closer to, well you know, death, and further away to what society deems as 'young,'  is agonizing. 

Have you ever asked yourself, which are you?

I think I teeter between the two. Embracing the aging process (and simultaneously the increased wisdom- so I hope) some days, and giving myself anxiety about getting older on other days. 

One thing I do know- is that whether I'm 37, 57 or 87, I'm going to live my life, be grateful, and wear a good bra ( I might feel young, but that doesn't translate to my tatas). 😂

Next question. Are you big on celebrating birthdays? Are you the type that celebrates all month long? Or are you the type that barely squeaks about the big day in hopes it's quickly forgotten? I've always loved celebrating my birthday, and yes, I am guilty of those month long celebrations that I milk until there's nothing left to give. What can I say, I like to treat myself! I've noticed though, as I've gotten older, the celebrations have shifted. I'm more into celebrating with my Buccio clan whether it's brunch or dinner or a cake at home. This year it was a few brunches and dinners! The birthday soirees have definitely gotten simpler and a little more intimate, and I quite like that! 

So, without putting so many expectations or unnecessary pressure on myself in the year of 37, what are some things that I hope to achieve/do this year? Let's see, from the most superficial to the most impactful. 

1- I'd like to learn how to finally do a french braid. Yes, people. I have no clue how to do one. 

2- I'd like to go bike riding. I keep staring at my bikes on the balcony and keep saying, "I'm going to go ride a bike," yet, I don't. 

3- I want to adopt a dog. I also need to convince Coco to adopt a dog.  

4- I want to find a charity or a hospital where maya and I can do volunteer work together. 

5- Find a job (besides being a mom)  that I absolutely love...again. 

6- Kind of goes without saying, but take everyday as an opportunity to be better, to grow, and to challenge myself. 

Ringing in 37 in this floral H&M dress! I absolutely LOVEEEEEE the pop of red and the light dusty blue hues. They compliment each other so well! I especially love the dress's high neck. It's sophisticated without being stuffy. Keeping with the red trend, we did a nice bright pout, and it's working so well with the blonde! 

You've seen my electric blue Louboutins make an appearance from time to time, and here they are again! These were definitely one of Coco's best birthday gifts! 

In Style, 

Kat 

Finding Those Little Moments in a Creative Rut

Hola Squeezers! I hope you guys are living your best life and enjoying the little moments. It's so easy to get consumed and affected by the negative vortex of our surroundings. Turning on the TV, unless you're watching your favorite show, is no longer a means of relaxation. Another mass shooting, another dead child, a heartbroken family left to pick up the shattered pieces- how is that comforting? How does that make us feel safe or how does that let us find joy when things can seem so depressing? 

That's why I say, enjoy the little moments. Easier said than done, I know. We owe it to ourselves, to those around us, to our little ones, our loved ones, and to humanity in general, because amidst the negativity and grief, there is always something that can make us smile. It's up to us to take that approach and make the effort. I, myself, am trying to do that. 

Those are my honest two cents this morning. I want to focus on the little moments, on what is right in front of me, because sometimes, I forget. Right now, I am home alone, sitting in bed, catching up on this blog post, writing assignments, and a laundry list of things to do, and I'm savoring it. I am thankful for the few hours I get to do this without distraction, to cross something off my list, which makes me feel and be productive, catching up on all sorts of emails, and more importantly, having a minute to gather my thoughts, regroup, and breathe. Those are little moments. When I  pick up my kids from school and get greeted by the best hugs, those are the moments worth enjoying and living for. 

Whether it's a quick coffee break, stepping outside for a breather, a dip in the pool, or maybe its sitting outside a fast food joint enjoying a value meal in your car, hey, those are all  little moments. What will you do to enjoy the little moments? 

One of the reasons I'm so focused on enjoying the little moments and focusing on the positive is because as of late, I've been in a bit of a creative rut. It's a first world problem, really, but lately, I'm feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated when it comes to the blog. I mentioned in my last post that I was going to be doing a revamp, and that is still happening, however, it's a sloooooooow process. When I think about all the things I want to do, need to do, without many resources to actually do it (I.e. money, time, etc), I get overwhelmed. I know I'll get there, but I guess it's not happening as fast as I like it. 

I'm not one to compare myself to others. It's never been my thing and we are all on our own individual journey or path, but sometimes I do look around and see that my counterparts are a little further along on this blog race. Granted, I haven't been doing this for very long, but still. The good news is I do snap myself out of the comparisons and go back to 'doing me,' but it can sometimes feel frustrating and exhausting. 

I haven't posted in over a month because I am visually not happy with how my actual blog looks. It's outdated, in my opinion, and needs to be spruced up. What I really need is a money tree so I can shake it and grab some dolla dolla bills to pay someone to help me! Right?! We all know that blogging is work and it costs money and is an investment. It's about the time and money you want to commit to it  in order to have it grow. 

You want to be original in a sea of so many talented and diverse influencers, in a social world that is constantly changing and evolving. I'm looking at these fashion photos now, with my hot pink sweater with the word 'ORIGINAL' spelled across and that got me thinking, "What makes you original?" "How can I be original in a saturated world of talent and 'who's who?" I can't be the only person that asks herself that. I mean, in order to grow those are questions we constantly have to ask ourselves. It's finding the balance of originality without comparing yourself to others, and remembering we are human, and not being so hard on ourselves. Little moments, Kathy. Little moments. 

Good thing is, I'm also a problem solver and in life, I've had to learn the art of patience. I'm not very good at it, to be honest, it's a work in progress. So what will I do? Well, for one thing, I'm not going to make excuses and stop writing just because I'm not happy with how the blog looks. Writing is self-expression and cathartic for me, and what's the difference between writing on a sheet of paper or on blogspot? I know with time, I'll have a snazzy and new updated blog to work with, but for now, I'm not going to let that be a deterrent hurdle. At the end of the day, it's about sharing with you guys, and I want to keep doing that. 

Secondly, how am I going to be original? By being me. I'm not changing who I am, what I wear, or what I share to conform with any trends or algorithms. I like who I am, and I hope that you like what I share. Sure, I need to work on a more 'cohesive' Instagram feed, but what can I say? I love sharing anything and everything and sometimes it's not cohesive, but I know it's entertaining. At least, I hope it is! 

That's all I can do.....for now. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I have to focus on all the work I HAVE accomplished with minimal resources and the help of friends, to get this platform up and running and I am PROUD. I'm going to take my own advice, I'm going to practice what I preach, and I'm going enjoy the little moments! 

Before we wrap this up, let's discuss the outfit! Did I mention that Maya picked out the H&M sweater? How could I say no! She said it was perfect for me because it's "fuzzy and pink," Do I need any more convincing? I think not! I paired with my favorite Forever 21 checkered pants, because these are a neutral patterned pant and go with any kind of top. I love that you can make them sophisticated and classic, but they can also be alternative and vintage-inspired. 

I think with this look, the accessories do the talking as well- a leopard clutch, some sleek white boots, my aviator glasses, and a fisherman cap to tie this street style look together. Oh, can't forget the pom pom earrings! Sign me up, for anything pom pom. 

Let's keep our fingers crossed for one more cold front so I can wear this outfit again! 

In Style, 

Kathy 

The Ramblings

It's out with the old and in with the new; the cliche that sums up the end of another year and the start of new things to come! It's true that every day is an opportunity to star afresh, to set goals, and basically just be a better human; but, there is something about the new year that makes even a cynic seem hopeful. It's up to us to create our happiness, to keep the focus on the positive, and to seize our moment and run with it. 

It may sound cliche, but 2017 continued to be a year of growth, of life lessons, resilience, and spending way too much money on lice treatments (note to self: no more Beyonce braids in Jamaica). Coco and I celebrated 10 years of marriage and went on our first vacation without the kids. Maya started Kindergarten and Rocco made his daycare/preschool debut, and since then, I've grown more sane! Plus, it's extremely helpful when it comes to getting my work done. We enjoyed family vacations, staycations, beach trips, rollercoaster rides, tastings, and so much more! Everyday I grow more thankful and more aware that the greatest gift I have, are the three meatballs that make up my Buccio clan. It's easy sometimes to lose focus and perspective when things aren't going according to plan or when life throws you some curve balls  and you realize you have to work even harder to get over the humps, but then you circle back and remember how truly lucky and blessed you are. At least I do. When my mind wanders and goes negative, I bring it right back to the blessings and silver linings in my life. Try it. It's not always easy breezy, but it sure does feel good when you set your mindset to 'gratitude mode.' 

Which brings me to 2018.  

I'm a non-resolution kind of girl. I understand that setting goals and aspirations and resolutions helps many people, but for me, I like to go into the new year with an open mind, heart, and zero pressure. Life is stressful as it is, and setting these definitive goals and high expectations with little room for failure at the start of something new, can be well, daunting and stressful. That's not a positive way to kick off the year, at least in my opinion. It also doesn't mean that I'm going into the new year clueless and unmotivated; on the contrary. I am always striving to be better- a better human being, a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, and a better student. I'm not perfect and I'll never be (even though we all like to think we are), but there is always room for self-improvement and for self-actualization whether it's in your personal or your professional life. It's about focusing on the little things like living in the moment and not on my phone, having more patience with people in general but more importantly with my kids and husband, taking care of my body and mind by continuing to do some form of exercise that's rewarding, and above all, taking the time to nurture myself and the things that I like to do. Whether it's reading, writing, watching a movie or a tv show, getting together with friends, or simply just going for a walk, doing 'you' allows for the best version of who you are to shine through. No one likes crabby Kathy. Just ask Coco. =) 

I've also been thinking about my mom a lot. You never stop missing or mourning your mother. It doesn't matter how long it's been. I miss her daily. I miss her when I see my kids' faces, when I see a mother-daughter grabbing lunch together, or really just when I'm feeling down and need someone to talk to that isn't my therapist or my husband. I constantly talk to my kids about their Mami Tere because I want them to know just how special and wonderful she was and how she will always be a part of their lives.  

Part of the reason I wanted to go blonde for a while was to feel more connected to her, and strangely I do. When my friends or family tell me, "You look so much like your mom right now," it actually makes me smile. There's a connection- a memory that is comforting and soothing. It's the same with this outfit. I remember vividly my mom wearing this checkered blazer. I remember it hanging in her closet and the shoulder pads that made her look more fierce than she already was. When I slide it on, I feel her and it brings me such joy. She was a fashionable woman and enjoyed dressing up and living her best life every single day. So when you see me sporting this special vintage piece, know I'm a little happier, a little more confident than usual on that day because I'm wearing a part of my mom with me- my  'superhero cape.' 

As far as this outfit, I wanted to pull off a power suit look (with a twist) after I found similar pants at Forever 21. I paired it with a vintage Mickey tee and white booties and love how it looks. It's fun, classic, with a side dish of vintage. 

What's coming to the blog in 2018? Well, I'm re-branding. Little by little because believe it or not, I'm slightly technologically challenged and one of my very best friends is helping me throughout the process. I'm excited and nervous, and I've been feeling that it's time for a change. Who I am as a micro-brand is continuously evolving. I love fashion and it is still at the forefront, but I've been doing a lot more food, some beauty and travel as well. I'll always be the 'freshlysqueezedfasionista,' but as I evolve and the blog evolves, using my name, @kathybuccio, is more inclusive when it comes to my writing and production assignments and it can all live under one umbrella. Kathy Buccio is who I am, and who I will always be and I think I want that to come across even more prominently on my blog and in my work as well. 

So here's to each and every one of you, squeezers! My loyal followers and friends. I toast to your health, to your ambitions and dreams, to your ability to keep going in the face of adversity, and to your passions. May 2018 continue to enlighten and brighten you and may your wardrobe always be just as fabulous as you! 

In Style, 

Kathy Buccio 

Living My Best Life With Anxiety.

Hi. My name is Kathy, and I have anxiety. Acknowledging that anxiety is something that I live with was never my issue.   Learning how to deal with it and maneuver it, is another story altogether.   It's what brings me to this blog post. 

I have been wanting to share this post for a while now, after an episode I had last Spring that catapulted me into the clutches of anxiety and depression (its annoying cousin); but I was afraid that if I shared this post, any possible employer that would google me or read my blog, would see my anxiety as a 'problem.’  It's sad that we still live in a world where mental health and sanity are not seen as important or far worse, that if you complain of being sad, anxious, or even having an off day, you are quickly labeled 'crazy,' or something to that degree.  There have been strides with many celebrities, advocates and “real" people like you and me opening up more and more to share their stories and realize that we are a community of support that share a common ground. This is why I wanted to share my story with a little more depth. 

I'm a very honest and open person. I like to share my experiences in hopes of helping others in some capacity.  I've shared my experience of losing a parent, of becoming a parent, of my struggles with baby blues, adapting to a new city, and so forth. Chances are if you have DM’ed to ask me anything personal, you didn't get any sugar coated responses. Who we are is all we have to give. Our experiences shape us, they teach us, help us grow and help us become better versions of ourselves.  It is through these difficult and challenging experiences, that we realize how truly resilient we are, that we can overcome and that we are human.  We embrace our flaws, our missteps, our successes and failures and wrap them up in a big messy bow.  And that is our gift to the world, to our families and most importantly, to ourselves. 

I learn this daily through anxiety. I won't lie, it’s a challenge and not always easy to learn. I have good days where I feel like Wonder Woman and there are those days I can barely get out of bed - but I do.   Everyday is a new opportunity to do so and climb that mountain, and it’s okay to ask for help. If it weren't for certain people in my life, this would have been even more isolating, much scarier and hopeless. 

This is the story I want to share. I'm sure I'll go back and read this 100 times before I post, and wish that I had added this or that, because hey, anxiety. There's so much I want to say without it getting lost.  At times, you'll read this and it won't be pretty. Maybe some of you can relate specifically or you know someone in the same boat. All our journeys are different. Anxiety is different for every person that suffers from it.  What works for one person, might not work for another, so it is important that I stress that what I am about to share is my journey, and my journey only. 

Anxiety has a funny way of manifesting itself. It's mostly triggered by fears or certain feelings that are nicely tucked away in our subconscious until one day, POOF! There's a physical and emotional eruption that is sometimes difficult to explain or know where it came from. That's when all that fun digging starts until you get to the root of things and so the nurturing process begins. 

On April 23rd, 2016, I had one of these eruptions. You push, and push and push, until suddenly you can't push anymore and it all catches up to you. A combination of stressors from being over-scheduled, caring for a new baby in a new city, finances, work, juggling two kids, marriage, and not stopping to truly 'rest' or take a breather, caused my mind to go into overdrive and crash. I used to explain it as 'imagine you try to reboot a computer and it doesn't start. Its officially burnt out. Its done.' That's how I felt. The screen in my head went black. I was familiar with the symptoms and effects from the last big episode I had (I call these the BIG ones), on March 15, 1999, so I knew what was coming wasn't pretty. Physically, my heart is racing a million miles a minute, my stomach is on a continuous loop of painstaking drops, I sweat and cry. Worst of all, is a mind that goes limbic. My mind becomes a rambling compilation of obsessive thoughts that seem to have no end. I want to jump out of myself when they take over. I learned that it wasn't about controlling the thoughts, because when you are in that state of anxiousness, thats not going to happen. It’s about redirecting these thoughts.   And somehow if do get window of clarity during anxiety, you have to seize the opportunity and tell your rational mind to be calm and remember that what you're experiencing is an anxious mind.  A mind that’s more like a chicken without a head.   Easier said than done, right?  It takes time.  Reeling in anxiety isn't an overnight thing. Hence, when people share their awesome wisdom such as, "calm down" or "just breathe" or my favorite, "what are you anxious about," you pretty much want to punch them in the face. 

My anxiety stopped me from living my best life at that moment. I mustered up every ounce of energy I had in me every day to dress Maya for school, pick her up and take care of Rocco to the best of my ability at the time. Coco's job flexibility ended up being a blessing in disguise because most of the time he worked from home to be with me.  Bless his heart.  Its never easy for your significant other to see you in such a state, knowing that there’s very little they can do to help.  There was so much helplessness on his end, as well. My days were spent with curtains drawn, never leaving the house (or the sofa for that matter) because I didn't want to see light.  I didn't speak to friends. I canceled any and all social activities. I pushed myself to attend Maya’s ballet recital and her soccer match because even though I was in disarray, I wanted her to see that I was there for her, even if it was just a shell of me.

Mornings were the toughest, as that was when my overactive mind was the strongest.  I had to make sure to get out of bed and stay distracted so I wouldn't be sucked into that vortex of despair.  I tried meditating, which didn't work for me.  Walks in the park with the dogs helped slightly. What really helped me besides getting myself to a therapist 3-4 times a week, was watching comedy shows. It helped me during the first Big One, and it helped me again. So a special shout out to Liz Lemon and the 30 Rock gang and Kimmy Schmidt for helping me stay sane.  I also wrote. A lot.   Again, during my first Big One, I had a notebook where I would write all of my daily thoughts, no matter how horrible, incoherent or embarrassing they were, I wrote them all down. It was cathartic.  I noticed that as soon as I would put them on paper, there was a sense of relief, so I kept writing. When I was finally feeling like myself again or version 2.0, I burned the notebook. I did the same this time around, minus the burning.  But I would carry this small notebook with me everywhere and I would write my obsessive and overactive thoughts. I would jot down helpful tips and notes that I would find on anxiety-centric sites, or self-help books. I would read them 2-3 times a day, sometimes more. It was a way to train my mind and help it remember that this person right now, right at this moment, going through a stressful bout with anxiety, wasn't me. I couldn't let these thoughts overpower me. I couldn't let them stake claim in my mind. 

Here's how I describe to people when they ask what anxiety feels like for me, specifically at this point when I couldn't function.  It’s a dark place. It’s like being in a hole and not being able to get out no matter how much you want to. It’s like being in quicksand and trying - really trying - to grab on to anything that can help you get yourself out, but there’s nothing to grab. It’s not caring about sitting in your pajamas or the same clothes for days at a time, not taking baths, not caring about how you look or what you wear.  I didn't eat. I lost 11 pounds without trying and I all I wanted was to get better. It’s funny, I was recently reading an essay that model, Chrissy Teigen had written about her post-partum depression and anxiety.  I thought to myself, "Holy shit. This girl just described EXACTLY what I had felt." I knew I wasn't alone, but for someone to explain these symptoms and the withdrawals associated with depression and anxiety, was enlightening https://www.glamour.com/story/chrissy-teigen-postpartum-depression. 

Through the darkness and the daily struggles of trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, I made decisions to slowly and surely start living again and to get myself on a non-rutted path. I was very thankful to my mother-in-law who flew in from New York at Coco's request, didn't ask any questions and stayed with me for three weeks to help me take care of the kids.  She helped pick up the slack that my anxiety wasn't letting me.  She would sit and hold me as I cried over feeling this way and didn't roll her eyes when I would make her watch episodes of 30 Rock on repeat.  While she was here, I upped my therapy game even more.  I'm from the mindset that everyone should have a therapist and if it weren't for mine the first time around, I wouldn't have known how to help myself when this one came around. I was seeing an anxiety specialist 3-4 times a week in addition to phone sessions. It was a safe haven. The more I spoke about it, the better I felt and that gave me hope. 

Another big thing I did, was get on medication. This was difficult for me because of the stigma attached to it. I kept telling myself at first, "I don't need it. I was able to do it without it the first time around, I can do it again." But I couldn't. I had to remember that when I had my first big anxiety attack at the age of 17, almost two years after my mom's death, I was a teenager dealing with different life stressors. My stressors at 17 were very different than the ones at 35. I made the choice to get on medication not only for myself, but for my kids. I needed to function for them, and if the medication was going to help me do that, then I would try for them. I'm not talking about a 'calm your nerves at the moment' pill like a xanax (though I do keep those when I fly because they are huge help), I wanted something that would balance the serotonin in my brain chemistry so I could find that stability that I was lacking physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was one of the best decisions I made. I want to make it clear though, that because you are on medication, it doesn't mean that your anxiety is gone. You still have to do the work. Medication allowed me to use my tools more effectively, to think with a more rational mind and to redirect my obsessive thoughts. It gave me the power to keep going. I gained the weight back, the physical symptoms of anxiety subsided and little by little, I was able to perform day to day functions with ease and even delight. 

I made the very personal choice of getting off social media. Social Media is one of the most amazing technologies to date but it can also be very isolating and negative. It has the ability to consume you, if you allow it. It can create feelings of negativity, false realities, and disconnect you from emotional growth with others and ourselves. It’s easy to let it effect you, so I shut it down. I got off Facebook completely, and didn't post on my Instagram for seven months. Being a writer/influencer, social media is a significant component of what I do but at that point, my sanity and getting better was far more important. Besides, I wasn't in the mood to post fashion shots of myself. That's how you know I wasn't in a good place! Ha! 

I spent a lot of time with Coco and the kids. They were the only people I wanted to be with. My friends were hugely supportive and respectful, always checking in with Coco or myself, giving me space, but also worried. I can't blame them.  Their support, their texts, their words of encouragement, meant the world to me. My best friend even took Maya a few times for me when I wasn't feeling like a fun parent. I'm grateful for that. Coco continues to be my angel on the ground. His patience, compassion, love, and understanding, gave me peace of mind, but also strengthened the fact that marriage isn't always rainbows and butterflies. It’s during tough times like these, that bonds get reinforced and respect grows tenfold. 

My anxieties are always triggered by abandonment, loss and control...and they will always be. During my first Big One, it was a short breakup with my boyfriend at the time, that threw me into a scary anxiety episode of endless tears, sleepless nights, panic attacks and fear that ultimately revealed that I was grieving the death of my mom and all the empty thereafter that came with it. I was so concerned with moving forward and keeping my head up and keeping it together for everyone else, that eventually it caught up to me. It always does. This isn't fun to deal with when you're 17 on the cusp of graduating high school and going off to college. It was frightening. Going away to college was something I had to put aside and it devastated me.  But I knew I needed to get better and I didn't want to risk another attack while I was away and have no one there to help me. With the help of my therapist, my uncle (who would fly down from Chicago every weekend to be with me), my boyfriend at the time (a lot for a 17 year old kid to deal with so I commend him for that), and my Mom's guidance, I got back on my feet. It took me a good year but I came out stronger, wiser and a lot more confident. I learned that I did not let anxiety define me. 

Fast forward almost twenty years later and the pattern seems to be familiar. A silly fight, which I can no longer remember the cause (probably brought on by the insane amount of stress we’d been dealing with), triggered a whole new feeling of abandonment and fear of losing Coco - of losing what I love. On top of that, pushing myself in an unhealthy way and not taking into consideration that here I am, with a new baby, that I should be taking it easy and all I kept thinking was, "you have to keep it together. you have to do this for your family, Go go go.”  It's a nice thought, but by doing that I did the opposite. Hell, I went straight from the hospital after getting discharged from my delivery to Maya’s school to pick her up at dismissal. I did a Selena Gomez interview with stitches still in my vagina, one week after giving birth.  I don't know the definition of ‘stop’ sometimes but if it’s one positive thing about having anxiety, is that it’s quick to remind you when it’s time to put on the brakes.  Post-anxiety attack Kathy, doesn't pack her calendar with things to do. There’s a lot more 'me time' in there or as I like to say, 'mental health days' and I love it. 

Before I wrap this baby up, I wanted to touch upon those thoughts. Thoughts related to anxiety vary from person to person. Like I mentioned earlier, anxiety has a funny or I should say, fucked up way, of taking on a form and infiltrating your mind to making you think these are real or hold any merit whatsoever.  Guess what?  They don’t.  When you pay attention to these thoughts or focus on these thoughts, even fight these thoughts, you make them bigger and give them more power. They're more menacing. One of the things I learned is that instead of fighting these thoughts, step aside, let them be and redirect them. The more we fight and give attention to these negative thoughts, the more they'll stick around.  I know it’s not always easy to focus on the positive, but I am a big believer in that.  One of the more positive things I learned about anxiety is that these scary, anxious thoughts do serve a purpose - and that’s to remind us of what matters to us and what we value above all.  For me, it’s my family, my husband and my kids. 

When you lose a parent or someone you love, your triggers when it comes to loss and abandonment are heightened and if you are a parent, make that double. Looking back at my childhood, there were definitely instances of smaller scale anxiety episodes or obsessive compulsive worrying over things that were non-existent but that consumed me to the point that I couldn't function. For example, I was traumatized by the movie Chucky and for many months thought that he would come get me in my room, while I bathed, in school, etc. I would use towels and trash baskets to secure the door when I would shower, and when someone came over for dinner and brought their 'My Buddy' doll, I practically died. I snatched the doll, climbed to the highest shelf in the closet, and hid the doll there so it 'wouldn't get me.' When I was an early teen, I convinced myself I had AIDS. I know, you're probably like "WTF?" So am I, don't worry.  But I did, I convinced myself that because I had swapped spit with my teen crush and some video in Home Ec class told me that if you had an open sore you would get AIDS, well that’s all I needed to self-diagnose. I didn't eat, I made my mom write a note to the teacher so I would be excused from watching that video and even came clean to my mom, that I had (GASP!), made out with a boy at the age of 14.  So when it became clear I didn't have AIDS, I let my thoughts runaway with me again and convinced myself that I had Leukemia instead because they were taking too long to give me blood work results, because why not?  Anxiety, you have a wicked sense of humor. Only this time my mom wasn't having it and whipped me back to reality quick.  So you see, the point is, that anxiety and overactive imagination have always been a part of who I am. 

I did so much research and read so many books and sites on anxiety, I can pretty much add 'Dr.' to my name.  Joking aside, these sites and books dedicated to anxiety were a big part of my healing process. I wrote down pieces that resonated with me, like these ones for instance. I'm not sure which site specifically they came from but when I find it, I'll add link, but it said...

"Why do little children think ghosts, goblins and monsters are real? As adults, we know they aren't. Your thoughts aren't 'real' either in the sense that you create and reinforce them and the emotions that go along with them. Your thoughts are only what you decide to believe in and continually reinforce in your mind." 

"Thoughts are a symptom of anxiety and depression, just like spots are a symptom of chicken pox. If you had chicken pox, you would just accept spots as part of it, ignore them while they can, and allow them to pass. Anxious, obsessive thoughts are the same as they are a symptom, need to be seen as a symptom, allowed to do their thing and pass over." 

"Analysis creates Paralysis. Our tendency is to think too much and to paralyze ourselves with our rumination. We have a choice; Realize what we're doing to ourselves, get up, find a distraction do something positive!"

That last statement is a tough one to follow, but its absolutely true. It’s exactly what I am trying to do as I get ready to head out on our first trip  sans the kids.  For me, the night before I leave and the flight itself is the worst. I'm a mess. Its called anticipatory anxiety. Add that one to my list. I'm already missing the kids, I'm having panic attacks, and I'm second guessing my decision to go on the trip and try to convince myself that I don't need to go on a trip. Thankfully, I push through.  I normally take a xanax (lately I've been trying not to if the anxiety isn't so bad or the flight isn't bumpy), or I have a glass of wine to mellow out a bit. I always have to be connected to the internet when I fly because it helps me (like if screaming in all caps to someone that we're crash landing is going to do anything), and lately I've been downloading movies or shows on Netflix to watch and keep me entertained and distracted. Lastly, I always pray (and breathe) for safety and smooth sailing. Oh and did I mention, I make it very clear to the stewardess when I board that I have anxiety and I would like to speak to the captain for a weather report and this, REALLY helps me. Extreme, but hey, we do what works for us! 

Naturally, the thought of something happening to me and leaving my kids without a mother is one of my biggest anxiety struggles and one that is currently on my mind.  I even called our estate lawyer to make sure our will was in place and called my sister-in-law to give her a rundown of wishes I wanted for the kids in the event…God forbid...that we expired. I am definitely keeping distracted, redirecting my thoughts and trying to focus on the positive, which is a sponsored trip that I get to share with my other half, where we get to spend quality time together, sleep in, relax and basically be child-free for three days.  Most parents wouldn't blink an eye.  Truthfully, yes, I'm so excited but I'm terrified. When you lose a parent, this reality becomes so much more real to you.  I’ve been plagued so many times with the unwanted 'what ifs,' "What if I die?  What if the plane crashes?  What if I get kidnapped and killed?  What if there’s a terrorist attack?  What if something happens to my kids while I'm away?  What will happen to my kids if they don't have me? What if something happens to both of us?  What if they're sad all the time?  I don't want to leave my kids!"  And well,  this song and dance is familiar when you're a parent and have kids.  Only when you have anxiety, it’s exaggerated to the 100th degree.  I even toyed with the idea of putting Coco and I on separate flights in case one of our planes crashed.  I mean, screw you, anxiety! That's what my anxious mind says. I then have to work extra hard to get my rational mind into overdrive and say to myself, "Kathy, breathe. Everything is going to be fine. Enjoy this time away with your husband. Have fun and relax. The kids will have a blast with grandma. It's only a couple of days. You will be back." 

It has been so reassuring and very encouraging to hear from other parents, from my own friends who have been my strongest support system in this and from you guys, my squeezers because when I first posted about my struggles on instastories, you all were quick to DM me - an instant connection!  I also realized that many of you can relate to the struggles of anxiety and depression but are afraid to speak about it, and I'm here to tell you, that you are not alone. You would be surprised at how many women and men deal with this on the daily and there is nothing wrong with that.  You're awesome, strong and resilient!  We are all here to help one another.  We aren't robots and we shouldn't be. We're allowed to ask for help and guidance from others and from God, to cry if you need to and laugh when we want to. 

Anxiety and depression do not define us, we cannot allow them to stop us from living our best life, and dare I say, let’s embrace this strange gift, because it is sometimes through the hardships and frustrations of A&D, that we grow to become who we want to be and who we're meant to be! 

In Love and In Style, 

Kathy